Open Letter I wrote as an assignment
A friend is studying psychology. One of her assignments was to write an open letter to women, to be cognizant of the mental health issues that are a part of surviving in extremely patriarchal setups. I wrote, she edited. Of course, I got carried away. Here’s the letter.
____________________________________________________
Dear Women,
Thank you for not killing just about everyone after all that you’ve gone through. From literal witch-hunts to being considered the dumber sex; from losing agency in bedrooms to unpaid domestic work in kitchens, you have survived constant oppression. Society doesn’t understand the difference between a victim and a survivor; a victim is characterized by the harm that comes her way; a survivor is defined by her life afterward. You were a victim then, but you are a survivor now. Your wounds are deep and passed on for generations. Your mothers taught you to be kind, intelligent, and stand up for yourself so you don’t have to go through what she went through. You live by it; You must. Society advises you to wear a ring to parties to avoid being hit on or raped. You have been told that the way to be safe from men is to look like the property of another man. I can’t even begin to list the fashion advice you get every day!
Sit with your legs together missy, you wear a skirt. The days of wearing (just) skirts are gone, you are not a pastry in a display case anymore. But your wounds run deep, wearing pants is not easy either. You made it to an elite college, and you are financially independent now. But you must stand out from your colleagues, especially if they are females! Be honest, have you spoken over a female colleague during conversations just because you could? Have you ever been overly critical of female juniors just to look better than them? Do you feel the need to have female friends just because you don’t want to be the one who doesn’t have female friends but, you don’t care for their company so much? You’re not alone, I’ve done it too. Consider it causal determinism, you’re a survivor. With your friends, you’re a smart, well-read, well-spoken, good-looking, good-cooking, beer-drinking, high-fiving “chill” female who follows football too. The levels of male gaze in our atmosphere are so high that it has penetrated your mind. You live like you want to be perceived. You’re not alone.
You tailor your personality with precision. You must be well-groomed, but look like you don’t spend hours in front of the mirror; you must have a runner’s body, but your muscle shouldn’t be bigger than your boyfriend; your collar bone and thigh gap must show but you must not starve yourself to get there. You must be the most human-looking dehumanized sentient being. You must travel the world before turning 30 because it’s liberating and why should boys have all the fun? You must have fun and post all of that on your Instagram. You must set precedent for your little sisters because they are babies! You must look like the girl your boyfriend can introduce to his mom and chug beer with his friends later. You must not put on a single kilo drinking all that beer. You must be approachable without being a pushover; you must be sociable without being chatty; you must be an agony-aunt to your friends but be ready to have even your mental illness be seen as an accessory. Thanks to the male writers, you can’t even have mental health issues without being sexualized. “She was deep and complex; she carried within her a well of sadness, a burden on her supple, tiny, shoulders”, they say. They wound you in ways that can’t be seen.
They pretend to empathize by pretending to listen. They reduce your debates to pro-choice vs pro-life. Stay calm lady, you have voting rights, don’t you? A guy can be socially awkward, but you? You will be considered snooty if you start exercising choice in who to spend your time with. Sometimes they don’t call you snooty, they call you socially awkward, but it looks cuter on guys. You know the cute nerdy ones? You can have varied interests too, you can be curious, but they will still call you a female nerd. They somehow set the bar low for you. You work day and night to be a female scientist, a female comedian, a female actor, a female athlete, a female drummer. They peg us against each other, give us an award when we compete, and win to keep us satiated. We find solace in being better than other females because we are rewarded when we are.
Thank you for not killing them all! But remember to stay alert; they creep up on you in ways you can’t see. They took your agency then; they take your agency now. Be yourself, they say; but can you? Can you exercise agency with the voices you have internalized? I say let’s give it a shot. Get in the driver’s seat! Or not, it’s up to you really.
